Action Movies and High Heels

July 25, 2015 By 1 Comment

It’s a combo not seen often, but two friends this week sent me this Youtube clip—and its silly and fun.  Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RZi6NCuLbQ&feature=youtu.be

I would love to see more action movies with high heels; it would for sure up the difficulty factor.  Try fighting crime in stilettos Batman. Or space battles in heels Avengers, Luke or Han. Even Princess Lela in the gold bikini (Iconic image for millions of boys- now men) didn’t don a pair of heels, which clearly would have been a high heel sporting opportunity.

They tried to add high heels in the second Ironman movie with Gwyneth Paltrow (Miss Potts) and Scarlett Johansson (Natalie Rushman/Natasha Romanoff) trying to walk out of Tony Stark’s office together in very high Christian Louboutin shoes. I say try because their gait was so awkward even my friend turned to me in the movie and mentioned how they didn’t know how to walk in heels that high—they should take lessons from me. Apparently some one else noticed this because in the next scene, getting out of the car and walking into party/ reception Miss Potts is wearing a much lower heel and not sporting the red soles so famous on the Louboutin brand. This is not something I think many people would notice, but to the shoe fanatic I am—well it was a glaring continuity error.

But why stop at action films? Why not sports films as well? Chariots of Fire in Heels.  White Men Can’t Jump in Heels. Rocky in Heels. King Pin in Heels. Seabiscuit in Heels—ok now I’m getting ridiculous. But it was kind of fun to think of the oddest combinations.

Happy Sunday

Laura

 

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There was an Old Women who Lived in a Shoe… What Happens in Vegas…

July 19, 2015 By Leave a Comment

Most of the old nursery rhythms are sinister and/or political in nature—Thanks Mother Goose—sweet dreams. Ever really think about the words to Rock a Bye Baby? Frightening!

“There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children; she didn’t know what to do.

She gave them some broth without any bread;

And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.”

The earliest record of “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe” was printed in Joseph Ritson’s “Gammer Gurton’s Garland” in 1794. The rhyme is reputedly linked to Queen Caroline, who had eight children and her lack of control over parliament.  Is this true? I have no idea. It will be like trying to explain Don Trump running for office in 2265. No one will understand or really care.

I didn’t live in a shoe so much as fall into a shoe. On a recent trip to Vegas—what happens in Vegas… except when your friends take pictures to document your idiotic behavior.

In the fall, Christian Louboutin is opening a store in Vegas. Will I be there? Ah.. Do birds fly? Anyhow in the Cosmopolitan Hotel to garner attention, there is a huge Louboutin shoe. I could not resist the photo op. All good until I fell in said shoe—and literally could not get out. The drop is nearly 2 feet and on a downward angle. And I’m wearing a skirt. I was laughing to hard I had lost any muscle strength with tears streaming down my face. It was funny. But no I really could not get out, not without flashing the entire audience of people watching and also laughing. Oh there were others taking pictures as well—did I mention it was funny? The more I tried to get out the more I was laughing – it was hopeless. My friend was on the ground in stitches—no help. Finally a group of Italians, very little English came by and saw the predicament. They vaulted my out of the shoe— grazie mille! Moral of this fable? I love shoes, but do not wish to live in one.

Laura

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Dude Challenged Himself To Wear Heels All Day And Wanted To Die

July 11, 2015 By Leave a Comment

“I want death. Please let me die.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylNy3cM12tA

Really– I think this says it all! Do I need to expand on this? It’s hard being a girl! Our clothes cost more, are not as comfortable and don’t fit as well. I just wish this guy had to shave his legs, wax his eyes brows (or other parts), wear a bra, maybe some pantyhose, maybe some pointy pumps, apply mascara and any other numerous painful events that are just part of being a girl.

I commend this dude for making it the whole day, even if he called quits on his evening plans in his high heels. Brandon reflected on how some guys love to talk about how girls are irritable or moody, but now, having “walked in women’s shoes,” he might begin to understand.

It was still a very solid effort! Kudos to you Brandon Cohen of Bro Bible!

Laura

PS, Thank you Susan for the link

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I want Minions!

July 5, 2015 By Leave a Comment

I want Minions! No I really do. However, I don’t want to be evil to acquire them… but… I would so utilize a staff of hundreds, the massive amount of good I could accomplish. I can tell you right now potholes in the road would cease to exist, along with litter and everyone’s yard would look fabulous… just a few ideas. I joke all the time that I want a clone. I really need a clone. While I’m being stupidity unrealistic, why not 3 clones? We clone cats and sheep they do nothing. Why not me? I pay taxes. I contribute to society. I can be as useful as a cat or sheep. My posse of Laura’s and I would work! Why stop at 3? Why not a dozen or 100 clones? Now that’s just being crazy and irresponsible. How could possibly keep track of that many copies of myself or feed them? Have you ever seen a family with more that 3 kids? It’s a complete chaotic nightmare. I’m trying to ease my workload, not create more.

It’s not that I’m all that important– I’m just busy. Now I realize busy is my own doing. But this solo Laura works a day job and does comedy at night, tries to write and still have a social life. And I would do more if I just had more time and money etc.…I’m a super hero without any super powers, except my fabulous shoes. I have a crazy amount of ideas– I think are good. And the unrealistic sense that I should try to accomplish all of them. But it would be really helpful if I could have my clones working so this Laura could take a nap!

But wonder if the stand-up clone gets really famous and tries to take the credit? I think Gallagher tried this scenario back a few years ago and it blew up in his face.  Lousy clones…trying to take credit for borrowed success. Wonder if my clone gets cynical and jaded? Being on the road all the time while I’m hanging at home? And she starts bad-mouthing about me all around town. How to I punish essentially myself? There’s so much clone etiquette to learn. 


Wonder if she starts hanging out with other clones? And they want to start a clone union? Maybe I’ll kill her off and start fresh. Or is that rude? Is it suicide or murder to kill your clone? Kill your clone! That’s a great horror movie idea! But clone would have to be spelled with a K because that makes it scarier. Clearly I have thought about this way too much. It would probably get weird. It’s one of those things that seem good in theory. Like whip cream in bed and polygamy to men…

Anyhow Sandra Bullock rocked these Rupert Sanderson pumps at the premiere of Minions, which opens this week. Since this is the closest I’ll ever get to having a minion—I would love a pair. Thank you Nancy for the suggestion.

Back to work for me- minus my minions and clones.

Happy Sunday

Laura

 

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Ursula, Octopuses and Other Oddities

June 28, 2015 By Leave a Comment

I think we can agree Ursula is not an attractive name. And octopuses, octopi or octopodes are ugly. (Yes all three versions are the correct plural form – love English spelling aka confusion)

Ursula the Sea Witch is a cecaelia,  part human, part octopus. She is a fictional character in many stories, namely Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tale. The Little Mermaid, but was made most famous as the main antagonist in the animated Disney film version,  The Little Mermaid.

Personally not a fan of octopuses, I don’t even like calamari. My aversion is more from my childhood trauma than the actual taste. Faced with raw, dead octopus at age 6, watching it get cooked, the smell and then having to it eat as a guest in my best friend’s house – who was Greek — has left some childhood scars.

My friend Dan, who seems to have a propensity for finding fun and odd shoe pictures to send me found this pair. First I thought “How hideous!” But the more I look at them —well if they were mine, I would wear them. Maybe like the name Ursula and the appearance of the octopus, I might  have been to quick with my first impression.

Octopi are ugly, but here are a few facts that might make you at least ‘appreciate’ them a little more. Octopuses are among the most intelligent and behaviorally flexible of all invertebrates. Their intelligence, learning capability and problem solving abilities have shown evidence of both short and long term memory. This might shame some people I know who lack one or both. Octopuses can be difficult to keep as pets, but people have tried. They often escape even from supposedly secure tanks, due to their problem-solving skills, mobility and lack of a rigid structure.  So they are smart and sneaky.

Octopuses only live about 6 months, less if they encounter a fisherman.  And reproduction is a cause of death: males can live for only a few months after mating, and females die shortly after their eggs hatch. They neglect to eat during the one-month period spent taking care of their unhatched eggs, eventually dying of starvation.

I’m pretty sure I would have trouble getting these shoes past TSA, But I would indeed wear them and then dazzle/ bore you with facts about the octopus.

Happy Sunday

Laura

 

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“Let Them Eat Cake”

June 21, 2015 By Leave a Comment

Marie Antoinette has gotten a bad rap. The queen upon learning that the peasants had no bread supposedly spoke “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche”, traditional translation “Let them eat cake”. The quote reflected her disregard for the peasants. However there is no record of this phrase ever having been said by her. Actually biographers indicate that Marie-Antoinette was a generous patroness of charity and moved by the plight of the poor when it was brought to her attention, thus making the statement out-of-character.

During her marriage to Louis XVI, Marie-Antoinette was perceived as frivolousness and her very real extravagance were often cited as factors that only worsened France’s dire financial straits. But Louis XVI was way more extravagant, look at Versailles.  She was young, Queen at fourteen, who won’t be a little extravagant?

Second misconception, the bowl or saucer-shaped champagne glass, known as the champagne coupe was molded from Marie Antoinette’s left breast, and that she wanted her court to toast her health by drinking from glasses shaped like her bosom. This is such a fun myth, but not true.  The glass was actually invented long before her reign, in 1663 in England.  The first story was way sexier. However other historical women have been credited with inspiring breast-shaped stemware, including Madam du Pompadour, Madame du Barry, Empress Josephine (Napoleon’s wife), Diane de Poitiers, and Helen of Troy.  And in 2008 Dom Perignon revealed a ‘coupe’ designed glass after Claudia Schiffer’s bosom.

Its no secret I love shoes, I also love cake and actually champagne. So when friends send me shoe inspired cake pictures—its fun.  These are gorgeous. Thank you Dan.

Marie Antoinette is not a hero of mine in any way, but the fact that she has her name attached to two of my favorite things is impressive, even if not true.  If there was a Marie Antoinette shoe, I might have to admire her regardless of her betrayal of the French people. So if any one out there wants to name a cake, shoe or champagne after me, I would be delighted, however I would prefer to keep my head.

Cheers!

Laura

 

 

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God will send me a red dress and I’ll dance on your grave in high heels.

June 14, 2015 By Leave a Comment

I love this saying. So much anger and humor. And much to learn.

First lesson, don’t piss off a woman. She will aim for your death, mock your passing and then look for new beau while you are still warm in the ground. That’s a lot of wrath. You think this is an exaggeration? Ask any scorned woman—this is actually mild for many.

Second lesson, what is appropriate attire for a funeral? Traditionally black or dark colors, I hope we all know that. Out of respect for the passing of a loved one, it is not the time to bust out your sequin party dress. Aim for over conservative.

However, what if the funeral is for a very eccentric type? Recently, a very prominent woman in the Broadway theater community passed. Her loss was devastating to many. But her personal proclivity was for nudity. In honor of her, many attended the funeral au natural or discarded clothing as there arrived. I respect their courage and their personal homage to this great lady, but still not sure if this was the time and place for such a statement. I understand the choice and why, but still not sure it was fitting. Instead of thinking about the lady we came to pay respects to, I was concentrating on the naked person delivering a eulogy.

Anyhow, it made me think, I’m not planning on dying, but something tells me it might happen some day. I’m just letting all of  you know right now at my funeral I want everyone to wear the most fabulous shoes they own, please tell your best joke and bring boxes and boxes of chocolate. I want my casket to be covered in chocolate, not dirt and please eat your favorites first. I won’t care is you send me packing into the earth with the flavors no one likes, usually coconut or gross candied fruit. And I’m not a prude, but keep your clothes on, unless you are Chris Hemsworth. And in that case please don’t wait until I’m dead to be naked in front of me.

Live life to the fullest – no one gets out alive.

Laura

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Graduations, Weddings and Croquet Parties

June 8, 2015 By Leave a Comment

“Summertime and the living is easy…” Summer is my favorite time of the year. I love love love warm long days.  Technically, summer doesn’t start for another few weeks but for me the month of June always seems like the start of summer.

June also the traditional month for weddings and graduations… and for me my first ever invitation to a swanky croquet party. Now I will confess I have never been to a croquet party, swanky or otherwise, it was sort of like when I got invited to a Wiccan party, I had to search Google (thank goodness for Google) for appropriate attire and etiquette. I try to avoid novice faux pas if possible at all first time adventures.

The problem with attending a swanky croquet party is the event is dressy but the main surface for the festivities is grass. Any women who has attended a garden wedding or an outdoor graduation knows high heels and grass are a precarious situation, and if the ground is slightly damp, potentially very dangerous. It’s like dropping your heel into quick sand with each step. It leaves you walking around on you tip toes for the entire day, you look like a very ungraceful cat burglar.

What shoes do I wear with a fancy dress and still navigate grassy surfaces?  I know this is a first world, privileged dilemma, but it is still a problem. I really don’t want to break my ankle. I know for many this is easy, sandals, flip- flops, (and I shutter) crocs. For me, Miss Shoe Fanatic the fore mentioned is not an acceptable solution. Then in a flash–the answer…the wedge. It’s still a heel but with a sold supportive base, plus there are so popular presently. I know its not one of the great mysteries solved, but for this girl attending her first swanky croquet party, it was important.

Be safe out there in your fabulous shoes.

Happy Summer

Laura

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Birthday’s, Shoes and the French

May 31, 2015 By Leave a Comment

May is full of Birthdays! I have 5 very close friends with Birthday’s in May. It’s a month of excessive merriment. I can tell you my waisteline and liver know that it has been a “festive” month.

“I don’t like the French” I have heard this ridiculous statement dozens of times. Really you don’t like an entire nation of people? You know what that makes you sound like? An ignorant racist. Ok maybe you are—I’m not here to judge.  I know stereotypes happen for a reason, I understand not liking a government or its politics, but I’m talking about the people- individuals. You don’t like all of them? Have you met all of them? I feel sorry for you.

Maybe this strikes a cord with me because one of my dearest friends happens to be French, from Paris and she might be the loveliest person I have ever met. Now don’t get me wrong- she is very French. She won’t like you either—at first. She will be aloof and make you prove yourself before she lets you in—but if she does, your life will be blessed with a delightful friend. She was actually my boss to start and the first 6 months I worked for her I had no idea what she was saying, her accent is thick, and if she has had a glass of wine, forget it. We have now been friends for over 20 years, and I feel lucky to know such a caring person. And I can understand her now- even after a few glasses of wine, that’s usually when I think I can speak French. Some day I hope I will learn to speak French, it a running joke between us. She sends me text messages in French to help me learn and I answer in Spanish. Another language I don’t know. My first trip to Paris was with my dear friend Patricia, and I can tell you if you can go to Paris with a Parisian, I recommend it. You might even be able to hire Patricia if you ask nice. Local knowledge in any foreign city just makes the experience even better.

Of course like all French women she has a flare for scarfs – I think its genetic and this has worn off on me. I owe a lot of scarves and rarely leave the house without one like a proper French lady. Patricia of course knows of my shoe obsession, she gave me this very pretty pair a few years ago for my birthday. And today is her birthday—Happy Birthday Frenchie! My life has been insurmountably better because you are my friend. Thank you.

Laura

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How to Talk to Women….

May 23, 2015 By Leave a Comment

Ask about her favorite pair of shoes. Okay I can hear your eyes rolling back in your head gentlemen and some ladies. But it is a great opening question. Doesn’t mean you have to keep the conversation on shoes for the whole evening (even for me that would be boring)—how you navigate the exchange after that is up to you. However, it is a way more creative opener then the weather, her sign, where she went to school or her job. And I will bet money you will get a way more interesting story too.

It’s a holiday weekend chances are you will be in a social situation/ party trying your skills at small talk openers.  I’m telling you it will make you look like a rock star.  You are asking about her, rather than telling her about you. And most likely you will get a story about a vacation, a special event or if you’re lucky (and appropriate- wink wink) about a steamy encounter.

Almost every women has a favorite pair of shoes and the follow up is … I bet most of the time she never/rarely wears them… for some reason. That is where the real meat of the story is… FYI.   Ask why.  The direction of the dialog after that is up to you both… you can then proceed with chatting about sports, how you hiked across Peru or how you saved a child from a burning building. You know I’m teasing… but there is some level of truth as well… My recent favorite, “I just vacationed with George Clooney in Italy at his Lake Como home. He is going be in my movie.”  “Oh that reminds me of the marlin I caught while ocean fishing with President……”

This is one of my favorite pairs, when I see you I will tell you the story and yes I never wear them.

Laura

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