Red Shoes!

July 9, 2017 By 2 Comments


 

 

 

 

 

There is something about red shoes, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think  so.

I have shoes in every color and red shoes always get the most attention, even above the sparklers, of which I also have many. Red demands attention.

That’s why it the color of high alerts.

I have a dozen or so pairs of red shoes (yes I know I have a problem—but there is no Shoes Anonymous – there is a SA, but well—that’s another addiction and I’m pleading the 5th ;o)

I realize I didn’t NEED another pair of red shoes or any shoes for that matter. But I was in NYC for my birthday and these lovely beauties were on sale. And really why won’t I buy apple red shoes in the Big Apple? It seemed sacrilegious not to.

And they are a very welcome addition to the family.

I wear red shoes on stage – often – because they demand attention. Andevery time I don a red pair I am reminded of a show I did in Idaho maybe 12 years ago and this silly naughty limerick an old farmer coot shared with me after the show.

“Here’s to the women in the fancy red shoes

She drank all my liquor

She drank all my booze

She ain’t a virgin

But that ani’t a sin

Cause she still has the box the cherry came in.”

 

So now you are cursed with having this silly poem in you mind too.

Put on your red shoes – and Dance!

 

Laura

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I Confess

June 26, 2016 By Leave a Comment

”I wouldn’t take it as a compliment if someone looked at one of my shoes and said, ‘Oh, that looks like a comfortable shoe.’ There is a heel that is too high to walk in, certainly. But who cares? You don’t have to walk in high heels.

Christian Louboutin

Mr. Louboutin I confess I am a huge fan of your work. I adore your shoes, for their beauty and god knows they are not comfortable. But most of us still have to walk, at least a bit, even in your shoes. I know the valet to the table is a short walk, or the car to the bedroom but still some walking happened. Unless we can all get carried about Cleopatra style to every room/ event. Which I’m not against, but for practical purposes it’s hard to travel this way. Everywhere I go I need 4 men to carry me on a chaise. Okay this is a better idea than I originally thought, but still not realistic.

I confess I love skyscraper high CFM heels, I wear them and I know they are bad for my feet, knees, hips and back. What makes it worse (full confession) I am a licensed physical therapist. Yup technically Dr. Laura. So I REALLY know how horrible these beauties are for my body. Its like finding out your doctor smokes. I would never let my patients see me in the shoes I love; they are very hard on your body. They cause foot deformities, nerve entrapment, increase arthritic changes in feet, knees and hips and are just plain horrible on spinal alignment leading to a barrage of lumbar problems.

And yes I still wear them. I justify it by only wearing them on stage or in the above-mentioned scenarios, but still I know they are not healthy. Will I stop—no.

We all have vices and bad habits, I don’t eat fast food, I don’t smoke, I wear sunscreen, I exercise and I don’t drink soda…. I could go on for a while of all my healthy choices— but for now I will carry on with my vice, my addiction. I confess I’m not ready to end my obsession – I’m sorry feet.

 

 

 

 

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Sometimes it’s Done

May 15, 2016 By Leave a Comment

Just like jobs, vacations, relationships and yes shoes, sometimes you just have to call it like it is, done. When I travel I try to streamline the shoe assortment to the bare minimum. Shoes are heavy and take up a lot of space in luggage. Plus I like to travel as light as possible. Less stuff means less to haul around. Which is so much easier if you are on a lot of trains, planes and subways… etc. A big heavy suitcase is cumbersome, annoying and exhausting to lug around.

I also like to travel with items, clothes and particularly shoes that are on their way out i.e. done. Getting one last spin out of them before setting them free in the world. Sadly I don’t know their fate after I have released them, but I hope they found a new purpose. One pair of shoes I loved called my NYC shoes I actually gave a watery funeral and threw them in the Hudson River. They were spectacular filigreed red velvet pumps but their life was over and deserved to be put to rest. My friend Dana and I each threw in a shoe and then cheered to the fun experiences enjoyed while donning these beauties.

My latest adventure I deemed Laurapalooza, rather pretentious sounding, but I really only meant it as fun.  During this holiday aka Laurapalooza I left a very serviceable workhorse pair of CFMs in Brussels. These shoes were by no means a favorite, but I did like them and they served me well. They cruised all over the Mediterranean last year with me and went on two military tours. I will forever fondly remember them as the shoes I was wearing when I fell off stage while performing in Moron, Spain. I am so lucky not to have really hurt myself.  Four feet into the abyss is a big drop. Yes the spot light was that bright. I could see nothing including the edge of the stage. That whole night is another story for another time.

Why did this pair get to travel so much? Because they were easy to match with many things and they were not among my pricey favorites. Never travel with anything you can’t bare to lose, words of wisdom. Trust me. As an added bonus I procured these babies on sale, deeply on sale in Boston. Thank you my road worthy friend, we traveled well together. Adieu.

Laura

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Calling All Soles: Shoe-Shaped Church

January 17, 2016 By 2 Comments

Yes, you read that correctly, Taiwan has built a giant, shiny, shoe-shaped church. The 55-foot (Ha! I wrote foot, snicker) tall structure looks like Cinderella’s slipper on steroids. The Southwest Coast National Scenic Area constructed the church in an effort to attract female worshippers and tourists to the site. Which I believe it will, heaven knows I wanna visit the shoe mecca.  I wonder what they would erect (snicker again) to attract male worshipers? Insert many risqué ideas here. I’ll go with brasserie.

Surprisingly, neither Las Vegas nor Disney was in on the planning. Apparently the shoe design was inspired by a local girl’s sad story. In the 1960s, a young bride to be lost both of her legs to Blackfoot disease, leading to the cancellation of her wedding. She remained unmarried and spent the rest of her life at a church. The high heel is intended to honor her memory. Oh yeah and bring boatloads of tourists.

The building is set to open on the Chinese New Year, February 8th. It’s the year of the sheep by the way, which biblically seems fitting…the shoe is my Shepard…. The church will not be used for regular services but instead for weddings.

I’m not sure how I feel about mixing worship with a pump, but somewhere in church I learned that is not the outward appearance that counts, but the character of what happens inside that matters. So I’m no one the judge what is in the hearts of the worshipers in the shoe church. And those who pray in glass churches really should not throw stones/shoes.  Besides Calvary Chapel has made a very good go of repurposing all the old Safeway grocery stores in California. I have even attended services there a few times. If good people gather – the building really doesn’t matter.

I wonder if Imelda Marcos will be the patron saint? Or will Dr. Scholl deliver all the uplifting sermons? It will be a church dedicated to saving your sole and all heels are welcome. Your sole’s salvation lies within…

Laura

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Run Run Rudolph

December 27, 2015 By Leave a Comment

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is so ensconced in Christmas that is hard to imagine it was not a poem, song, movie, or even a television special initially. Rudolph, the young buck with a luminous red nose, after enduring mocking from his peers manages to prove himself one Christmas Eve by leading Santa’s sleigh on a foggy winter night. His special capabilities lead to saving Christmas and acceptance from his fellow reindeer. And really don’t we all want acceptance and acknowledgment for our uniqueness? Oh Rudy, I didn’t know your little fiction was going to evocate such depth.

This cute little parable was created by Robert L. May in 1939 as a publicity- money saving assignment for Montgomery Ward. The retailer had been gifting coloring books for Christmas every year and decided that creating their own book rather than purchasing from an outside source would save money. Originally, Rudolph was supposed to be a moose but was changed to a reindeer, which seemed friendlier. Rollo and Reginald were both names under consideration before deciding upon Rudolph. Can you imagine Rollo the red nosed moose? Not as catchy. Note to all writers including myself; always adhere to all available alliteration as authorized acceptable. Another problem with Rudolph’s initial conception was the issue of a bright red nose. Then as now, it is associated with chronic alcoholism. Rudolph’s shiny nose lead to the story’s initial rejection. Because of this, Rudolph came to be illustrated so adorably cute. The alert, bouncy, adolescent reindeer could never be construed as a drunkard.

In Rudolph’s first year of publication, Montgomery Ward distributed 2.4 million copies of the coloring book.  For you poetic types the story is written as a poem in anapestic tetrameter, the same meter as “Twas the Night Before Christmas”. Because you wanted to know. Admit it, you wanted to know.

Then came the song, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” and it is the 2nd most successful Christmas song in history. (White Christmas is numero uno). Written by someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, of course. Since Rudolph’s launch into popular culture, he has been mentioned in numerous songs besides the classic, feature films and even a series of postage stamps.

These pumps are all-wrong, the nose is green. However, at first glance, we all know they are an incarnation of Rudolph.  Now I can’t really prance around in these festive babies all year long, but they were kitschy enough to push me into the finals of the ugly sweater contest, which I won by a nose.

Happy Merry Everything!

Laura

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I want Minions!

July 5, 2015 By Leave a Comment

I want Minions! No I really do. However, I don’t want to be evil to acquire them… but… I would so utilize a staff of hundreds, the massive amount of good I could accomplish. I can tell you right now potholes in the road would cease to exist, along with litter and everyone’s yard would look fabulous… just a few ideas. I joke all the time that I want a clone. I really need a clone. While I’m being stupidity unrealistic, why not 3 clones? We clone cats and sheep they do nothing. Why not me? I pay taxes. I contribute to society. I can be as useful as a cat or sheep. My posse of Laura’s and I would work! Why stop at 3? Why not a dozen or 100 clones? Now that’s just being crazy and irresponsible. How could possibly keep track of that many copies of myself or feed them? Have you ever seen a family with more that 3 kids? It’s a complete chaotic nightmare. I’m trying to ease my workload, not create more.

It’s not that I’m all that important– I’m just busy. Now I realize busy is my own doing. But this solo Laura works a day job and does comedy at night, tries to write and still have a social life. And I would do more if I just had more time and money etc.…I’m a super hero without any super powers, except my fabulous shoes. I have a crazy amount of ideas– I think are good. And the unrealistic sense that I should try to accomplish all of them. But it would be really helpful if I could have my clones working so this Laura could take a nap!

But wonder if the stand-up clone gets really famous and tries to take the credit? I think Gallagher tried this scenario back a few years ago and it blew up in his face.  Lousy clones…trying to take credit for borrowed success. Wonder if my clone gets cynical and jaded? Being on the road all the time while I’m hanging at home? And she starts bad-mouthing about me all around town. How to I punish essentially myself? There’s so much clone etiquette to learn. 


Wonder if she starts hanging out with other clones? And they want to start a clone union? Maybe I’ll kill her off and start fresh. Or is that rude? Is it suicide or murder to kill your clone? Kill your clone! That’s a great horror movie idea! But clone would have to be spelled with a K because that makes it scarier. Clearly I have thought about this way too much. It would probably get weird. It’s one of those things that seem good in theory. Like whip cream in bed and polygamy to men…

Anyhow Sandra Bullock rocked these Rupert Sanderson pumps at the premiere of Minions, which opens this week. Since this is the closest I’ll ever get to having a minion—I would love a pair. Thank you Nancy for the suggestion.

Back to work for me- minus my minions and clones.

Happy Sunday

Laura

 

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