Stripper Shoes, Pole Dancing & New Years Resolutions

It has been noted that some of my fabulous shoes seem as if they might be more worthy of the pole than the venues I sport them. I always respond with a smile and “yes”, furthermore many of my shoes might be better suited for over the shoulder activities as well.  Another smile as they figure this one out. But really why should strippers get all the fun shoes? My feet want to rock the stage even if I decide not to go sans clothing.

Pole dancing classes have been an on again off again trend for many years now. I admit I have taken a few classes. Honestly, I will do anything that looks more fun than running or actual sit ups. (Which by the way – traditional sit up are really not good for your back.) What I can tell you is the pole is hard work and the people who choose to participate in this form of dance for exercise are getting a great workout. I have now seen poles in several people’s houses. I know they are always a bit embarrassed to confess that they participate in this ‘sport’. But I applaud them. They found something they love and they are enjoying their workouts. I can see how explaining the pole in your living room to a visiting grandma might be an awkward family moment however.  On the plus side a dance pole can be picked up new for less then $100. Way cheaper than a stationary bike or treadmill and its way harder to hang your laundry on the pole.

Honestly, I wish I could pole dance well. Those aerial moves are truly impressive and if I have that kind of upper body strength I could finally claim one of my on going New Year’s challenges – to be able to do one pull up—I am hopeful this year it will happen. Ok, off to the gym to workout doing things way less fun than pole dancing, but I plan to wear my pole dancing shoes, just to make it more interesting.

Laura

 

 

I Miss Joan

Joan Rivers was many things: an icon, a comedic tour d’force and she knew fashion.  Comedy is subjective, so if you didn’t care for her comedic stylings, I understand. But you can still admire the women.

Among the many things most people don’t know about me, my first college degree was in business, with a strong emphasis in Fashion Merchandising. I even worked as a buyer in Downtown LA briefly.  I have known who Anna Wintour is since I was 15 years old. And maybe wanted to be her at 18.  And I didn’t need to see The Devil Wears Prada to know how cutthroat the fashion industry can be.  I walked away from working in fashion at 22. I still love beautiful clothes and of course beautiful shoes. And I have been known to anxiously await the arrival of the September Vogue. It’s the most important issue all year in the fashion industry- followed by March.

As a fan of fashion and comedy I loved Joan’s knowledge of fashion and the wit she brought to the color commentary of award shows. She was not the best at interviews or knowing the younger/ up and coming stars, but her take on how they looked was spot on. I know many of you hipster types don’t want to know this but fashion has rules. And yes rules are meant to be broken, but first you need to know them to break them, like all art forms. Cher comes for mind as an excellent example.

With the passing of Joan the award show attendees have gotten sloppy. They don’t have to fear the wrath of Joan. So maybe the have passed on professional advice from designers and stylists who know how to dress people to make them look amazing in person and on TV. Two very different settings to consider when picking an outfit for an international telecast.  (FYI Heidi Klum is going to take some heat for that dress)

At the Golden Globe this year I really noticed the down ward trend in fashion accountability. It’s a formal event, hire someone who knows how to make you look like the star you are or want to be. Don’t think you can do this alone, that will be your first mistake.

I would love to be the New Fashion Police.  (Hint Hint anyone at E) I have the degree and comedy experience. I would never infer that I could replace Joan, but Laura Hayden has some fashion chops of your own to unleash on the celebrity world.

When (not if) I attend the Oscars, Tony’s. Grammy’s, Golden Globes I will assure you I will be wearing fabulous shoes! Tonight it’s these sparkers to an Oscar party.

RIP Joan

Laura

Some Things are Just Wrong

Okay a lot of things in the world are wrong. Wrong has a perspective scale as well, from just plain silly (example, boot sandals) to a crimes again humanity.

Here is a quick list in no particular order. It’s subjective and based on only my opinion. I’m a huge fan of silly and find moral crimes abhorrent. So I might actually purchase #9, but will always find fault with human trafficking. But this is a blog about shoes lets not get too heavy.

  1. Boot Sandals
  2. Kardashians
  3. Beauty Pageant for toddlers
  4. Boob jobs for teenagers
  5. Real Housewives of anywhere
  6. Donald Trump
  7. The spelling of pneumonia
  8. Diet cookies
  9. Bacon toothpaste

10. Crocs (don’t hate, it’s a moral decision for me a shoe lover)

Feel free to add to the list- wrong is everywhere.

Happy wronging to you ;o)

Laura

It Never Rains in Southern California

This iconic song by … I bet you don’t know. I know I didn’t. I’ve heard this song 1000’s of times and would of in a millions years never guessed… Drumroll…Albert Hammond. He is a British singer songwriter. So compared to UK weather, it must feel like it never rains in sunny SoCal.

Well it rained this week, didn’t it my Cali friends. And thank you to the friends who sent me this picture of high-heeled swim fins. I love shoes and I love funny, a perfect combo, thank you.

Because I have spent a quality amount of time in places with “real” weather, I can tell you it really doesn’t rain in Southern California. Which is a whole other issue.

But until you have experienced rain that breaks your umbrella- yes broken, rain that pelts your body so hard, side ways, you think it will bruise you and have been completely soaked in less than 3 seconds, WITH an umbrella, Oh and its freezing, no actually freezing under 32F, not what Californians think is freezing which is anything under 60F, you have never really experienced rain. That was one very long run on sentence. Sorry to all the English teachers.

Californians are weather pussies. And I totally include myself in this group. I’m a native, I love SoCal, it is my home.  We/ I like it sunny, but not too hot, a nice breeze off the ocean is perfect, but not wind. We/I like our sky blue and our clouds white, not grey. We/I have a temperature tolerance of about 9 degrees (Fahrenheit) So about 68F to 77F degrees is how we/I like to roll. Everything else is unacceptable!  We/I don’t know what to do when our narrow weather parameters are altered. We can’t drive. We really don’t know how to drive in weather, as a group, it is frightening.  We can’t work—not with all this rain. It’s depressing. We can’t go out – its too cold. Basically we break down. And all the local news can do is focus on “Storm Watch”—like some great catastrophe took place. It rained 2 inches this week. Lets get a bit of perspective.

Here’s some perspective. A few years back I was doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in Boston. Over the course of 2 days 100s of people walked 40 miles to raise money and awareness for breast cancer. It’s Boston, its May I show up 5am for the walk, which today will be 26 miles. It’s raining, the kind of rain I mentioned above. I’m from SoCal, I don’t do rain. I’m trying to have a good attitude, its charity, but again I’m soaked already and cold. I might have been a bit too whiny because this 70ish year old women who I could tell from her appearance was recently or currently in treatment for cancer, turned and looked at me and then utter these words which I have replayed in my mind many a time when I feel I need checking.

“Really its just rain, stop being such a pussy.”

I was just shut down and given my walking papers by an older lady with cancer who also was doing this walk. I will never forget her.  So I put a smile on my face, knowing that blisters heal and walked those 26 miles in horrible rain with a grateful heart that I don’t have cancer.

Get really SoCal El Nino is coming. Find your umbrellas, Maybe leave some extra times to drive safely, get those tires checked—Hell its rain- stay home and hide, that’s the safest way and invite me over for hot cocoa.

Bonus trivia, Benjamin Franklin invented swim fins, bet you would not have guessed that one either.

Laura

Silly Little Things

“It’s ALL about the shoes”

“Two words for anyone who doesn’t think shoes are important. Cinderella & Dorothy”

Pretty much every one in my circle of friends to causal acquaintances knows I fancy me some pretty shoes. I try not to bore people in conversation about shoes—but some of the kicks I’m sporting often spur a few sentences of chatter. Think of them as an icebreaker in making small talk. Hell the boots I wore for NYE this year got periscoped by no less than 4 people.  Truth be told these boots were worthy of the publicity. Anyhow, it is not uncommon for friends to generously gift me with shoe themed knickknacks. Which I adore—of course.

Friends have given me small wall plaques with the above sayings. I have been given a shoe wine caddy and a few pretty Christmas ornaments of fancy shoes. But this year- the funniest prize goes to my cute little shoe coasters.  So adorable and frankly useful. Coasters always seemed like a silly gift, like a paperweight. But now that I have snappy leopard pump points—I’m not really sure how I lived without them. So much more fun and stylish than a cardboard beer mat, now even my glass is sporting CFMs. God Bless silly little things that make us smile. Happy 2016. May you find oodles of joy in the silly little things.

Laura

The Force Awakens!

So can anyone tell me…did a movie come out this weekend?

Just so you know, there will be no spoilers in this blog, so read with confidence, I will give nothing away. I was made acutely aware of how passionate people feel about Stars Wars when I was at a holiday party last night and was discussing the movie with a friend. We were reprimanded for talking about the movie –out in pubic where others could possibly hear us. If we choose to discuss the movie we were instructed to take it outside in the rain (yes it was raining in Los Angeles- it happens). I now understand the resentment smokers must feel when banished outside to participate in their unsavory habit. I hate cigarettes. Please, I’m a native Californian it is part of our native by-laws to hate cigarette smoke. But next time I pass a smoker standing outside alone in the rain I will have a sympathetic smile.

Anyhow, what I like best about all the Star Wars hoopla is that people, whole families, all of social media for at least a few days was stirred up and excited about something fun. I saw hundreds of people walking about with lightsabers. It is a nice reprieve from guns, hatred of any/all types international and local, Donald Trump and anything Kardashian.

A friend sent me this photo the day before the movie came out. He knows I love shoes and action-adventure movies. Many a movie has influenced fashions. For example there wasn’t a formal or prom dress the year Indecent Proposal came out that didn’t mimic Demi Moore’s stunning black dress from that movie.  However, the fashion influence is usually after the movie has come out, not before. That is how popular Stars Wars is; it’s having a reverse fashion influence.

What I need to know is, would the force be strong with me while wearing them? I bet in these shoes I could find anyone, even a Jedi.

Laura

 

 

I want Minions!

I want Minions! No I really do. However, I don’t want to be evil to acquire them… but… I would so utilize a staff of hundreds, the massive amount of good I could accomplish. I can tell you right now potholes in the road would cease to exist, along with litter and everyone’s yard would look fabulous… just a few ideas. I joke all the time that I want a clone. I really need a clone. While I’m being stupidity unrealistic, why not 3 clones? We clone cats and sheep they do nothing. Why not me? I pay taxes. I contribute to society. I can be as useful as a cat or sheep. My posse of Laura’s and I would work! Why stop at 3? Why not a dozen or 100 clones? Now that’s just being crazy and irresponsible. How could possibly keep track of that many copies of myself or feed them? Have you ever seen a family with more that 3 kids? It’s a complete chaotic nightmare. I’m trying to ease my workload, not create more.

It’s not that I’m all that important– I’m just busy. Now I realize busy is my own doing. But this solo Laura works a day job and does comedy at night, tries to write and still have a social life. And I would do more if I just had more time and money etc.…I’m a super hero without any super powers, except my fabulous shoes. I have a crazy amount of ideas– I think are good. And the unrealistic sense that I should try to accomplish all of them. But it would be really helpful if I could have my clones working so this Laura could take a nap!

But wonder if the stand-up clone gets really famous and tries to take the credit? I think Gallagher tried this scenario back a few years ago and it blew up in his face.  Lousy clones…trying to take credit for borrowed success. Wonder if my clone gets cynical and jaded? Being on the road all the time while I’m hanging at home? And she starts bad-mouthing about me all around town. How to I punish essentially myself? There’s so much clone etiquette to learn. 


Wonder if she starts hanging out with other clones? And they want to start a clone union? Maybe I’ll kill her off and start fresh. Or is that rude? Is it suicide or murder to kill your clone? Kill your clone! That’s a great horror movie idea! But clone would have to be spelled with a K because that makes it scarier. Clearly I have thought about this way too much. It would probably get weird. It’s one of those things that seem good in theory. Like whip cream in bed and polygamy to men…

Anyhow Sandra Bullock rocked these Rupert Sanderson pumps at the premiere of Minions, which opens this week. Since this is the closest I’ll ever get to having a minion—I would love a pair. Thank you Nancy for the suggestion.

Back to work for me- minus my minions and clones.

Happy Sunday

Laura

 

“Let Them Eat Cake”

Marie Antoinette has gotten a bad rap. The queen upon learning that the peasants had no bread supposedly spoke “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche”, traditional translation “Let them eat cake”. The quote reflected her disregard for the peasants. However there is no record of this phrase ever having been said by her. Actually biographers indicate that Marie-Antoinette was a generous patroness of charity and moved by the plight of the poor when it was brought to her attention, thus making the statement out-of-character.

During her marriage to Louis XVI, Marie-Antoinette was perceived as frivolousness and her very real extravagance were often cited as factors that only worsened France’s dire financial straits. But Louis XVI was way more extravagant, look at Versailles.  She was young, Queen at fourteen, who won’t be a little extravagant?

Second misconception, the bowl or saucer-shaped champagne glass, known as the champagne coupe was molded from Marie Antoinette’s left breast, and that she wanted her court to toast her health by drinking from glasses shaped like her bosom. This is such a fun myth, but not true.  The glass was actually invented long before her reign, in 1663 in England.  The first story was way sexier. However other historical women have been credited with inspiring breast-shaped stemware, including Madam du Pompadour, Madame du Barry, Empress Josephine (Napoleon’s wife), Diane de Poitiers, and Helen of Troy.  And in 2008 Dom Perignon revealed a ‘coupe’ designed glass after Claudia Schiffer’s bosom.

Its no secret I love shoes, I also love cake and actually champagne. So when friends send me shoe inspired cake pictures—its fun.  These are gorgeous. Thank you Dan.

Marie Antoinette is not a hero of mine in any way, but the fact that she has her name attached to two of my favorite things is impressive, even if not true.  If there was a Marie Antoinette shoe, I might have to admire her regardless of her betrayal of the French people. So if any one out there wants to name a cake, shoe or champagne after me, I would be delighted, however I would prefer to keep my head.

Cheers!

Laura

 

 

How to Talk to Women….

Ask about her favorite pair of shoes. Okay I can hear your eyes rolling back in your head gentlemen and some ladies. But it is a great opening question. Doesn’t mean you have to keep the conversation on shoes for the whole evening (even for me that would be boring)—how you navigate the exchange after that is up to you. However, it is a way more creative opener then the weather, her sign, where she went to school or her job. And I will bet money you will get a way more interesting story too.

It’s a holiday weekend chances are you will be in a social situation/ party trying your skills at small talk openers.  I’m telling you it will make you look like a rock star.  You are asking about her, rather than telling her about you. And most likely you will get a story about a vacation, a special event or if you’re lucky (and appropriate- wink wink) about a steamy encounter.

Almost every women has a favorite pair of shoes and the follow up is … I bet most of the time she never/rarely wears them… for some reason. That is where the real meat of the story is… FYI.   Ask why.  The direction of the dialog after that is up to you both… you can then proceed with chatting about sports, how you hiked across Peru or how you saved a child from a burning building. You know I’m teasing… but there is some level of truth as well… My recent favorite, “I just vacationed with George Clooney in Italy at his Lake Como home. He is going be in my movie.”  “Oh that reminds me of the marlin I caught while ocean fishing with President……”

This is one of my favorite pairs, when I see you I will tell you the story and yes I never wear them.

Laura

Laura, Do You Have a Favorite Pair?

Since I have what would be considered an extensive shoe collection, I am asked often if I have a favorite pair. I have about a dozen very special pairs, but one pair is always on the top of my list. Alexander McQueen!

These are booties I was never supposed to own. I saw them first at South Coast Plaza, and if you know anything about South Coast Plaza, deep in the OC, nothing there is cheap.

I honestly kept thinking about them, because to this day they are still one of the most spectacular pair of shoes I have ever seen. Blue suede, white leather and red patent – what’s not to love? So on a whim I went to the haute couture section of Zappos  (this is before Amazon owned them) and low and behold there they were these amazing Alexander McQueen boots for half the price.  Now they were still ridiculously expensive, but now half as ridiculous, oh the temptation. Zappos used to let you purchase shoes and then you had one year to return them, yes one year, as long as they were unworn, of course. So I pulled out my visa and charged them like a good consumer. I planned to return them after I tried them on. The problem was I loved them; they were and are still spectacular 12 years later. I kept meaning to return them, but never did.  Then several years later Alexander McQueen, sadly like many geniuses took his life. He was only 40 years old. My crazy expensive shoes are really now museum worthy. I have only worn them a few times; I never wanted them to look worn.  I never travel with them; I have a rule never travel with things you can’t replace. Soon I will put them in a curio case and display them like art.

If you are unfamiliar with Alexander McQueen

He was a British fashion designer and couturier. He worked as the chief designer at Givenchy from 1996 to 2001 then founded his own namesake lapel after that, Alexander McQueen. His achievements in fashion earned him four British Designer of the year awards in 1996, 1997, 2001 and 2003, as well as the CFDA’s International Designer of the Year award in 2003.

Alexander McQueen was so inventive and creative his genius was made into a special exhibit one year after his death at the Metropolitan Art Museum in New York. I was lucky enough to visit this spectacular homage to his genius. Here’s a link if you would like to see or know more about Alexander McQueen. http://blog.metmuseum.org/alexandermcqueen/about/

RIP Alexander McQueen I still love these boots. Thank you.

Laura